Hey friends. Thanks for serving as my creative writing teacher this week, giving me prompts and forcing me to do something other than scrawl band logos in my notepad. This time of year—especially in a slower-than-usual off-season—it can seem like there are no real baseball things to write about, so it’s very helpful to get questions from the audienc–
If animals could talk, which animal would be the most annoying and why?
— Dianne Eulalie (@dxp7) January 25, 2018
Okay, we’re off to a great start!
The answer is: Birds. All of them.
There’s one bird, specifically, that I have named Craig. I don’t know what kind of bird he is, and I’ve never seen him, but he spends a lot of time in close proximity to my bedroom window. Every morning, he repeats this Bru-doot! to-dooo!! sound for hours. I think Craig needs a girlfriend, but either there are no girl birds in the area, or they all hold the same opinion of Craig that I do. Either way: Craig sucks so do all of his fellow beak-bearing sky trash brethren.
Okay, let’s get a baseball question in. Let’s go to Andrew in Abilene. Caller, you’re on with the Rangers Mailbag…
Which current Ranger would be your pick to survive a Zombie Apocalypse with?
— Andrew Robertson (@asrobertson12) January 25, 2018
Okay, this is marginally baseball-adjacent, I can work with this.
There are a few factors you look for in a zombie apocalypse team member.
#1: You want someone who is handy with tools, so they can craft a weapon out of a rusted-out truck engine and a spork. Let’s pause here and pour one out for Colby Lewis, who would have been the obvious choice here, but as he is officially retired, there’s no clear leader here. I’m going with Robinson Chirinos, since catchers have to deal with the most equipment.
#2: You need the aid someone who has a fierce sense of loyalty, the ability to fight, and owns a vast stash of firearms. In short:
#3: Smarts. Zombies love brains (is it because on some visceral level, they realize that theirs have become dysfunctional?), but this isn’t purely to bait them. Intelligence and good decision-making abilities are essential to surviving the end of the world as we know it. The obvious choice here is Cole Hamels (who scored 1510 on his SAT) is the obvious choice here.
Other considerations: a survivor’s will (Jake Diekman), pure brute strength (Joey Gallo), and an extensive knowledge of geography, preferably due to the experience of travel (Austin Bibens-Dirkx). But if I have to pick just one, each of these guys has one important factor working against them: they aren’t Adrian Beltre.
Next up:
From your conversations, how aware are players of StatCast data? I have to imagine hitters like exit velocity.
— Kolby (@checkthebeckett) January 25, 2018
It depends on the player. Gallo is aware, but usually not immediately after the game. On more than one occasion, he learned the distance of a particularly mammoth blast from Emily Jones or one of the beat writers. But all of the guys get the data, either from the coaching staff or their agents. Some of them pay it very little mind (at least as far as they tell us) and others admit to knowing it. One thing we don’t hear much: players saying that they make adjustments based on the Statcast data. I think the data is still new enough that players are sure how to (or if they even should) implement it into their preparation.
If you could select walk up music for each player currently on the roster, what is your choice and why?
— Eric Rauch (@erauch06) January 25, 2018
Oh man. If I did a song for every player on the roster, that would be an entire article’s worth of words, but there is a song I have been sneakily trying to get any player to use, and that’s “The Dryness and the Rain” by mewithoutYou. I just think it’s a perfect walkup song. Here, listen for yourself:
The intro is great, but where it gets perfect is the chorus when the chant starts: Isa ruhu-lah ‘alaihis-salat was-salam
It sounds like a war cry, which is perfect for walk-up music. It’s in Arabic, which would probably cause at least a handful of xenophobic Curt Schilling-types to work themselves into a huff and say some dumb things, at which point, you could show them the translation (“Jesus Christ, peace, we pray, be upon you”) and ask them why they want to wage a war on Christianity? Wow, Roy, I never took you for the apostasy type.
Anyway, political prankery aside, it’s a perfect walk-up song, and one day I hope to convince someone to use it.
Who on the Rangers do you think has the best chance of making their first all star team this year?
— Matt (@bashews) January 25, 2018
It seems like cheating to answer Joey Gallo, but it’s Joey Gallo. Hopefully once he’s an All-Star, he’ll also accept an invitation to the home run derby (he said last year that he believed that participation in the derby should be reserved for All-Stars).
Who is your dark-horse candidate to make the opening 25-man roster?
— Sean Bloodgood (@SeanBloodgood) January 25, 2018
Yu Darvish.
Unless you mean someone already with the organization, at which point it becomes tricky. Joe Palumbo would be that guy, but he’s out until probably June, thanks to Tommy John surgery. Palumbo was Clayton Kershawing his High-A opponents last season, sporting an 0.66 ERA and 22 strikeouts (4 walks) in 13⅔ innings before the UCL injury. Without Palumbo, the dark horse category consists of… Connor Sadzeck? He didn’t have a particularly good 2017, but throwing 100mph is always going to put you at the front of the line.
Give me your best case scenario for the bullpen in 2018. No time machines, realistic budget constraints, and at least one Muppet.
— Ⓙoe Ⓤrsery (@thejoeursery) January 25, 2018
*cracks knuckles* Joe, I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me this.
Closer:
Set-up (3):
Middle Relief (3):
Long Man:
(BONUS) No longer with the team:
Okay, that’s all we have time for this week. Thank you guys for the engagement – there were a lot of great questions today, and the ones I didn’t get to here, I’m going to try to answer on Twitter. Feel free to join me over there. See you next time!
TRangerInNY says
This bullpen could be really good. Problem is they probably can’t allow more than about a run per day for this season to work out.