Martin Perez and a lesson on how (not) to sit on a fence

The rain was absolutely tanking down outside, and a group of damp reporters sat in one of the offices at the Rangers’ Mercy Street complex as Jon Daniels broke the news in December that Martin Perez had broken his elbow at his ranch in Venezuela and that it was the fault of *deep breath* a bull.

At the time, Daniels indicated that Perez—after having surgery on December 18th—would miss the first month of the season as the subsequent rehab would put him behind his usual Spring Training schedule, though he did indicate that Perez didn’t think he would miss any time.

At tonight’s awards ceremony, Perez smiled and extended his elbow to show us his range of movement.

“I’m not going to miss any time,” Perez said, shaking his head.  “I have conviction I will be ready the first day.”

We got a little more in-depth with the left-hander about what exactly happened that day. “I knew you guys were going to ask me that,” he smiled.” I have horses and cows on my ranch. My guys were working with the cows and I was sitting on a fence. My brother said something and I looked back at him. Then I heard ‘Watch out!’ and I turned and a bull was coming at me (and) I fell. I was trying to fall on my feet and I landed on my elbow.”

We’ll see if Perez’ self-assessment is right, or if Jon Daniels was correct in assuming a May first return, but in the meantime, here is a PSA for all my readers and all Texas Rangers on the proper way to sit on a fence when bulls are nearby.  There are a few options, so allow me to rank them.

#1. Don’t sit on the fence.
If you can stand outside the fence, that’s much safer. If you can get a good 30-40 feet miles away from the fence, that’s the best option. As someone who has spent a lot of time around cattle in my life, I can tell you definitively that the safest distance from a bull is Further Away. But perhaps this is not an option. So if you must sit on the fence…

#2. Forward-straddle the fence.
I’m not saying to ride the fence like a horse. That’s a bad and painful idea. But if you keep one leg on the outside of the fence, it allows you to make a quick getaway in the event of a charging bull. It’s a half-stand/half-sit situation. Your outside leg is pretty straight, in a standing position, and your boot (you should be wearing boots. There’s no place on a ranch for wing-tips) is firmly planted on the third or fourth rung (depending on the length of your leg). Your inside leg is swung over the top of the fence in a sitting position. In this position, your butt is still technically on the out(SAFE)side half of the top of the fence, and your weight is evenly distributed between your swung-over hamstring and your outside foot. It doesn’t matter which leg is which, and frankly, you’re gonna need to switch after awhile.

This position allows for a rapid exit when you hear “WATCH OUT”. Simply disengage your top leg and swing it over the fence, then run a few steps to get as far from the fence as possible. Keep an eye open for a truck, in case the bull jumps over or breaks through the fence (not always necessary, I don’t know your fence)

#3. Just sit on the fence, facing inward
If you are sitting atop a fence with your weight on your butt and two legs on the same side of the fence, there are only two ways to get off the fence in a hurry: either you jump forward (bad idea, this gets you closer to the bull and traps you between beast and fence), or you fall backward (and maybe break your elbow). This is probably what happened to Martin.

#4 Just sit on the fence, but facing away from the bulls
This seems safer, because you have a quick exit to the safe side of the fence, but it’s not: you can’t see the bulls coming. Also it’s weird; people will think you’re weird. Don’t do this.

#5 Hang upside down from the fence by your knees
This is the worst way to sit on a fence. The bull now has unfettered access to your face.