And Now: Some Wild Speculation and Predictions!

As I type this, it is currently 23° in Dallas, Texas. Were there slightly more precipitation in the air, perhaps we could see white spheres being hurled through the air in a poor approximation of the great game. Instead, we’re just huddled under blankets and wrapping our scarves a little tighter. It’s so cold, you can’t even Rogers Hornsby properly because it’s too cold near the windows.

It is decidedly not baseball time in Texas.

Adding to the long cold offseason is the relative dearth of free agent hot-stovery. That’s fine when it’s Christmas, but alright, okay, that’s enough. The holidays are over, and we have a baseball section of this website to keep up with. The last three months have given us ample time to autopsy the 2017 season, and we’ve done a few breakdowns on how a few players can get better in 2018. Our Top 10 Prospects list is out. We even did a look-forward to next season!

So now we wait. Here in the cold. Teeth chattering, waiting for some little morsel of– actually, you know what, nah, let’s make some stuff up. Here’s a list of predictions for the 2018 Texas Rangers season. Absolutely none of these will come true, but it’s January and it’s freezing, and this is all we’ve got.

2018 PREDICTIONS!

Rangers 2018 Record: 78-84
I reserve the right to change this if the Rangers acquire another front-line starting pitcher, but I think right now the rotation is too thin and full of question marks to support the weight of a division contender. Plus, they’re playing the Astros and newly-loaded Angels nineteen times each. Perhaps this is the 23° speaking, but I’m not feeling overly optimistic as things stand right now.

Team Leaders: 
Wins: Cole Hamels, 14
Home Runs: Joey Gallo, 51
Hits: Elvis Andrus, 184
Saves: Keone Kela, 23
Stolen Bases: Delino DeShields, 41

First Ejection:
On April 22nd, Nelson Cruz is hit by a Chris Martin fastball. It is Cruz’ second hit-by-pitch of the series, and he takes offense. Martin calls Cruz a “clunk-footed netherfielder”, and mimics Cruz’ Game Six right field misadventure, causing Cruz to put his hands out as if to imply “What the heck, man? That’s just mean.”

“I LOVED YOU AND YOU BETRAYED ME,” Martin screams through his tears, suddenly quite emotional and beating his chest. “WHY WAS ENDY CHAVEZ NOT IN RIGHT FIELD?”

He is ejected from the game immediately.

Biggest Controversy:
As Spring gives way to Summer, a curious oddity begins to make itself evident. At first, only a few commenters on LonestarBall notice, and they are roundly ridiculed for their suggestions. But by mid-May, there is no denying it: Adrian Beltre appears taller than usual. An investigation is launched by Rob Manfred, but before any conclusive evidence can be brought to light, a 6’4″ Beltre takes the podium to announce that he is retiring from baseball and to declare himself eligible for the NBA draft. He is taken in the 3rd round by the Milwaukee Bucks, and the 6’10” power forward embarks on a 15-year career. The 8’3″ Beltre is the first athlete ever inducted into two Halls of Fame. No one ever discovers the secret of Beltre’s growth, despite a battery of medical tests.

New Ballpark Food: Death by Lard
New for 2018! A five-pound bowl of lard! Take it out to section 105 and let it melt in the 104° heat, then inject it straight into your veins with the provided syringe! It comes in three flavors: Bacon, Queso, and Orc.

MVP: Jurickson Profar
Sure. Why not. It’s January 2nd, it’s 20 degrees out, and no one remembers these predictions by October anyway. Nothing we say here matters. Snow White will win the Cy Young. Shohei Ohtani will grow a rhinoceros horn. The ghost of Mickey Mantle will claim the lives of fourteen members of ISIS. Cap’n Crunch wins Rookie of the Year. The Dukes of Hazzard win the World Series.

God please let the Rangers sign a free agent this week.